Find Your Truth

Have you ever stopped to consider the thousands of decisions you make over the course of a day?

We each make hundreds of seemingly insignificant decisions: what color tie to ware, where to eat for lunch, which lane to be in on the interstate.

Most folks don’t give their choices a second thought. Decisions made in the moment are put far behind as new choices draw people’s attention.

While the choices we make (whom to marry, where to live, etc.) take a great deal of our attention, we’d not be in a position to make the big decisions without the seemingly inconsequential decisions, the things that seem to take no brain power whatsoever.

But…think back over your life. Think of the small decisions that led you to where you are right now.

We make choices all the time. We choose what to do from one moment to another. Often, these choices have consequences—either obvious or not.

For example, you choose what you put into your mouth several times per day. When you eat, you make choices, and a series of consequences are attached to those choices. You can choose to eat a donut or an apple. If you put the donut in your mouth, you’ve chosen to take on more calories. Eat enough calories in a day, you’ll gain weight. Gain enough weight, and you’ll be facing health complications.

Choices

The rub comes in the intentionality of our choices. How mindful are we of the choices we make? Often, the answer is that we’re fairly mindless. That is not to say careless or ignorant (though that can happen). We simply do not see the weight of consequences attached to seemingly insignificant decisions.

How can we approach living a more full life that approximates our vision for how we want to live? How can we make more mindful choices?

You need to know, first of all, who you want to be, where you want to go, what you’d like your life to become.

The result—when you make a decision according to your goals, you make a mindful choice. “Am I going to do this? Will this get me closer or farther from my goal?”

Truth is, many folks will know what they should do and go ahead and make the opposite decision, but, if you are able to break that habit and make better decisions, you’ll progress toward your goals rather than away from them.

~Every decision, large or small, brings consequences.
~Work to become more mindful in your choices, no matter how insignificant the choice may be.
~Know your goal or vision of where you want to be in your life.
~Align your choices to reach your goal.
~If you slip off the horse, get back on and keep working at it.

Good luck!

Photo by: Akuppa

The world is full of shoulds (expectations about how one must behave, even what we should believe). Shoulds come at us from all angles: our workplace, our church, our families, our brother’s uncle twice removed. Should, should, should, should, should, should, should! It seems that everyone has an opinion about how others should live their lives.

Shoulds arise from assumptions about how the world ought to operate. When reality deviates from expectations, a should pops into the mind. Shoulds are then imposed on self or othes, typically meant to elicit compliance.

While some shoulds have value and relevance in our lives (such as, “You should respect others’ rights,” etc.) shoulds can lose their value, particularly when they impose expectations that go counter to personally held truths.

So, where do shoulds come from?

Societal Shoulds: Our society and culture are should machines. “You should buy the biggest house you can possibly afford.” “You should weigh this much and look this way.” In a very deep way (that is hard for anyone in a society to fully grasp), we are a product of our society’s shoulds.

Familial Shoulds: Families have even more potent shoulds. There are a thousand expectations that family members foist upon one another. In the course of raising children, it is the role of the parent to set boundaries on behavior. Being a parent, I know all too well that I am instilling my beliefs into my children. This is not always a bad thing. In fact, it is the primary way that children learn how to become members of a larger community. Those expectations, however, become damaging when they keep people (typically adults) from living their lives the way they see fit.

Internal Shoulds: Through the process of internalization, everyone absorbs a set of shoulds. Internal shoulds have a dramatic and significant influence over our behavior. Is it any surprise that constantly repeated messages about what we should and shouldn’t do imbed themselves deep within our psyches?

How can a person cope with shoulds?

Recognize when you’re being shoulded upon: Can you hear a should when it happens to you? Can you detect the influence that others’ expectations have on your behavior? Take some time to tune your senses to the multitude of shoulds that bombard you in the course of a day.

Gauge the relevance of the should: Some shoulds are healthy for you. For example, you may hear an internal should saying, “I should exercise more.” Some shoulds are not healthy for you. That same internal voice might say something like, “I should be thin enough to wear a size two.” One ought to question the origin of such messages.

~Ignore irrelevant shoulds: This can be difficult, particularly if they are coming from a loved one, but the more you’re able to free yourself from artificial or inauthentic expectations, the more you control your own behavior. Having the freedom to chose your own course of action is a critical element of living a genuine life.

~Learn to say no: Saying no is hard for many folks. It isn’t a very nice word. It can come across as grouchy, uncooperative, indifferent, or just plain mean. A lot of folks don’t want others to think of them this way, but it is an essential skill if you ever hope to gain increasing authority over your own life. There are ways of saying no that soften its blow, but it needs to happen regardless.

~Avoid people who should on you: Can you find separation from people who should on you? Who are the biggest culprits? Can you avoid them? Limiting your exposure to these folks will make your anti-shoulding endeavor easier.

~Avoid being a person who shoulds: No one likes a hypocrite. Learn to avoid shoulding on others. This might be close to impossible if you’re a parent of a young child, but it is critical to master the no shoulding maxim as your children grow into young adults. No one likes people who should on them all the time. Learn to censor yourself before you censor others.

~Call people on their shoulding: If you can’t avoid the people who should on you, call them on it. I know this takes guts. The people who most actively should on us are typically family members, significant others, or co-workers/bosses. These are the folks who we can’t get away from. If you’re struggling with ignoring their shoulds or struggling with saying no, have a chat with the culprit and let that person know how his or her shoulds are affecting you.

It is impossible to totally shut down all shoulds. It is a part of human nature to set expectations for one’s self and others. This doesn’t preclude us, however, from limiting the effect that shoulds have in our lives. With concentrated effort, the shoulds that surround us can become manageable, if not negligible.

Photo by: FranUlloa

We all know a misfit or two. In fact, most folks have at least one misfit in their families. You know…the one who marches to the beat of a different drummer.

These are the folks who seem impervious to social pressures. Convention is catapulted in favor of the freedom to live the way they want to live.

Are there costs for being a misfit? Sure. There’s always a chance that someone will think less of you, criticize you, or shun you, but there’s also a value in being a misfit—primarily in that being a misfit offers a person the freedom to live a genuine life.

A basic premise of FYT is that living a disingenuous life causes pain, so, in as many ways as feasible, we should all strive to be a misfit, to find a way to ignore others’ expectations.

I know all too well that this is easier said than done. The need to be a part of the social fabric is strong. For most of us (including me), people’s opinions matter a great deal.

But what are the costs of conforming as opposed to the costs of being a misfit? What would really happen if we were all a little more like a misfit and a little less concerned about the opinions of others?

Let’s find out. In the next week, pick one of the following activities and see what happens:

~Be honest: In the critical moment when you feel yourself just about to change a comment to fit into the group, stand firm and be honest. Gauge people’s responses. In the end, you’ll likely see that the effect of your honesty is less drastic that you thought it might be.

~Be genuine: Speak from the heart. Let people see who you really are. Being genuine may make you vulnerable, but remember: Those who matter don’t care, and those who care don’t matter.

~Be brave: I’ve spoken a lot about courage in past articles. I don’t know a single person who hasn’t struggled with courage at some point in their lives (even the misfits we know). In the critical moments, when you’re tempted to succumb to peer pressure, make the conscious decision to hold your ground. Dare to be different!

~Be creative: How else might you be the misfit this week? How might you buck the system or swim against the current? If the opportunity presents itself, take it. Be a misfit. See where it leads you.

It is important to remember that no one is perfect. We’re all susceptible to peer pressures and social norming, but it’s also important to remember that, more often than not, our fears about what others will think about us or how others might treat us tend to be exaggerated. What we all might find out is that there are far more benefits to being a misfit than there are drawbacks.

Good luck in your misfit experiment, and let me know how it went!

Photo by: Lin Pernille

An extremely effective way to motivate yourself to adhere to your truth is to share your truth with others.

Which Truths to Share?

While there are some truths that you may wish to keep to yourself, there are many truths that would be ripe for sharing.

~Life goals: One of my goals is to become a published novelist. Imagine the power of sharing that intent far and wide. In this particular instance, sharing that goal can accomplish three things. One, I would have a cheering section of those who would want to see me succeed. Two, I would feel the pressure to pursue my goal, and three, others might be able to help me along the way.

~Next steps: As a part of my overarching goal to be a novelist, a next step might be to complete the outline to a novel or, as I find myself currently, to finish revisions on a completed novel, or to send the novel out to a publisher. What is the next actionable step to achieving your goal? Share it with someone. Ask them to help hold you accountable!

~Secret passions: Say you had a secret passion to act. Sharing that passion could not only have the same potential outcomes as above, but saying a thing out loud makes it somehow more tangible.

~Unknown Tidbits: Be yourself. How much do people really know about you? Depending upon the time and situation, sharing a bit of who you truly are (your truth) will potentially deepen your relationships with others as well as easing the need to keep a part of yourself in reserve.

Who do you share your truths with?

That is a good question, and, quite frankly, it all depends upon the truth.

~Your Confidants: Confidants are valuable and rare resources in the search for one’s truth. Confidants are not particularly easy to find. Building that kind of relationship takes time and effort, but, once such a relationship is formed, treat it like gold! Reciprocate often. If you share your truth with a person and ask them to help you along the way, be ready to return the favor. It’s through such give-and-take that the relationship deepens and becomes ever more effective.

~Your Mentor: If you don’t have a mentor, it’s high time to find one. Mentors are immensely valuable to anyone striving to accomplish a goal. Mentors are different from confidants in that mentors have the experience necessary to assist you in making progress toward your goals. In my example, it would be great to have a published author as a mentor.

There are times when mentors are difficult to find (in deed, I do not have a mentor in the writing realm), but the time and effort put into securing a valuable mentor is worth every ounce of your energy.

~Anyone and Everyone: There are times when you need to either go big or go home. Broad public announcements of your goals/intentions/truths have a galvanizing effect on your commitment to follow through on what you’ve declared to the masses. If you need the threat of public humiliation if you back away from your truth, then announce it to as many as you can. Let everyone know your intentions, and be as specific as you can: “I intend to publish my novel in the next year or die trying!” (This is just as an example. I’m not declaring this as my intention…☺)

Sharing your truth is an excellent way to establish your commitment to living out an authentic life.

Good luck and happy sharing!

Photo by: tuftronic1000′s

Put simply, courage is the act of facing one’s fears and pushing beyond them.

Fears need not be debilitating. Indeed, we face dozens of seemingly trivial fears/concerns every day. You might have a momentary pause before you confront a colleague. You might feel your pulse quicken a bit just as you step before a group of people to give a presentation.

Courage is the capacity, found in every human, to cope with life’s hardships and difficulties.

We all have the ability to call upon courage to choose our paths in life.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, in his book Flow, differentiates between the paths that are given to us, accepted life themes, and those that we come to ourselves, discovered life themes. Your inner truth is your discovered life theme [1]. Choosing to live your discovered life theme requires courage as it necessitates turning away from a path that others are trying to make us accept.

Baby Steps

We are faced with thousands of decisions every day. Our decisions range from choosing what color socks to wear to choosing a new job.

At each decision point, people make choices to either adhere to their truths or to accept another path. Most decisions will not require you to act courageously in order to choose your truth. Picking the color of socks you want to wear will not likely cause you discomfort or fear.

However, courage is required in the moments when you face a decision that creates fear or discomfort. Exercising courage in these moments will make all of the difference in how true you remain to who you really are.

So how can you be courageous more often?

~Understand your fear: The next time you feel that pang of fear, take a moment to understand what’s causing it. Are you afraid that you’ll lose a friendship, a raise, or your social standing? Why are you hesitating to act?

~Weigh the consequences: We’re all prone to exaggerating potential negative consequences, which only worsens our fears. Work to eliminate that exaggeration to truly understand the probable consequences of your choices. Turning to a trusted friend or colleague can often help you perceive genuine potential outcomes.

~Decide what your truth is telling you: The Oracle at Delphi had an inscription carved over its entrance—“Know Thyself,” which is what FYT is dedicated to helping you discover. A handy question that I’ve asked myself several times in such situations is, “If everything went my way, what would I choose to do?” The answer typically comes from my truth. Once you know what your truth is…

~Buck up and act courageously: A lot of forces will want you to take the easier path. In fact, most of these forces will be internal, but take a chance and make the decision to act according to your truth. Very few decisions bring with them irrevocable consequences.

~Exercise courage often: Think of courage as both a muscle and a habit. Muscles need regular exercise to be able to do the heavy lifting when called upon, and habits are patterns of behavior that make many actions/decisions almost subconscious. Using courage in the minor moments when you’re faced with uncertainty and fear will help you use courage in the big scary moments when panic is close to swallowing you up.

Here’s your homework for the week:

Every time you’re faced with a moment of uncertainty or fear this week, exercise your courage. Decide what you need to do to be true to yourself and go in that direction. When it’s all said and done, take a moment to note how you feel and to understand the true consequences of your decision.

I would very much appreciate knowing how it went. Good or bad, please share your experience.

Resources:
1. Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York. Harper Perennial.

Photo by: irene nobrega